Have you ever tried to actually read and understand Facebook’s Terms of Service? If you’re like me, you’ve made a valiant effort but fallen a bit short. That’s because it’s extremely dry and not very, well, easy to read. The guys over at Slacktory have reinterpreted the ToS to make it more dude-friendly. While it’s riddled with swears and geared towards stereotypical males, it does make it a bit easier to understand what the heck the real Terms of Service are all about.
The following is just a small sample of the text from Slacktory. Be sure to check out the entire reinterpretation here.
CAUTION: NSFW (Swears ahoy!)
Sharing
- Good news! Everything you put on Facebook is yours. Seriously, we would never steal it from you, because that would be a dick move. You have complete control over your own shit in the settings. Uh, except for a few things:
- For things covered by intellectual property law, (which is, I mean, just minor shit like your pictures and videos; whatever, amirite?) you grant us license to use it literally however the fuck we want for as long as it’s up. Seriously, we can blow up your pictures and Photoshop in sombreros and dicks and then put them up on billboards in Asia if we want. Also, we can let our friends use your shit however they want. But! Once you delete your shit, then we’ll all stop using it. Unless, of course, your friends also have it up.
- When you delete intellectual property, we delete it the same way you delete files! Except we also keep backup copies. Only for a little while, though, and we won’t let anyone else use it. Pinky promise.
Safety
- Don’t spam. No shit, Sherlock, right? This is serious: don’t try to sell shit, either your shit or other people’s shit, on Facebook without our permission. This isn’t Craigslist, assholes.
- Don’t be a robot. Don’t even use a fucking robot. Look, not to sound robophobic here, but you’re not allowed to use robots, spiderbots, scraperbots, Fembots, or anything else that’s not a bona fide human fucking being to collect people’s information.
- Hey, have you seen Bernie Madoff’s Facebook?Fucking right you haven’t, because we don’t allow that shit up in this bitch. No pyramid schemes, Ponzi schemes, or any other illegal financial shenanigans, so don’t even try.
Registration & Security
- Okay. So, obviously, don’t make shit up. Duh. Also, don’t make shit up for other people. I give zero fucks about how hilarious your biology teacher is; maybe you’re thinking, the world just needs to know. No we don’t. So don’t make a Facebook for him without his permission.
- One Facebook per person. We know how much time you spend on here; you don’t need a second profile. Fucking trust us.
- 13 years old or GTFO.
Protecting Other People’s Rights
- Don’t put shit up that fucks with other people’s rights. Also, fuck you for making us spoonfeed you this instead of relying on common sense.
- Seriously, we’re not joking about that last one. If you post shit that we think breaks these rules, we will terminate it with the extremest of prejudice. Oh, sure, you can appeal, and, uh, yup, says right here, that’ll definitely be a completely fair process.
- Okay, look. We’re not bad guys, just a little strict. If you legit think people are taking your intellectual property (besides us, of course. Seriously, thanks again for letting us use it however we want, we really appreciate that) check out this page.
This is just a small sample of the text from Slacktory. Be sure to check out the entire reinterpretation here.